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SahDow
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Name: Sah
Birthday: 10/5/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: Getting away. Writing love letters that I never give away. Being held. Public transportation. Spooning someone. Being spooned. Having sleepovers. Being able to miss someone. Paris. You.
Expertise: Having way too many best friends, Spontaneity, Fabricating, Mothering yet being a baby.
"I am the Perfect Hug. You are the Perfect Cuddle."
"Everyone is just looking for a way to feel something."
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  TootcRoll3
Member Since:
4/14/2004
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| When we're very young we learn the difference between right and wrong. We learn that bad guys steal from banks and good guys rescue princesses from towers. We learn that honesty is the best policy and secrets only hurt someone. We learn not to talk to strangers and family is forever. We learn hard work will get you what you want, and lazy people get F-A-T. Well, like everyone when faced with the pangs of adulthood abruptly, I have come to questions these simple life lessons.
What if that "bad guy" is stealing money from a bank because he needs to feed his family of 5 plus the extended ill/elderly family? What if that "good guy" is saving that princess because he really wants to bang her Lady in Waiting? Maybe honesty is what brought heartbreak to someone you loved and lying to them would have prevented it (at least, for a little while longer). Sometimes strangers can open up a new world, and often family members desert you when you need them most. Sometimes hard work exhausts you and you have to quit because what you're fighting for is not ever going to be won. And (the most annoying thing of all), sometimes the laziest person you know has the best body and eat donuts 7 times a day.
We all have our reasons for doing "bad" things. And we all have our reasons for doing "good" things. It's all relative. Sometimes the choice we make for ourselves to feel okay is hurtful to someone else. Does that make us bad? Sometimes we think we're doing the right (read: good) thing by treating someone a particular way and it comes across as hateful and neglectful (read: bad). Other times we make selfish and manipulative choices and we come across as some sort of saint with a lot of wisdom. Sometimes we don't ask questions because we're scared of finding out something about ourselves. And, other times we are very outspoken because we believe Honesty Conquers All and it ends up coming across as judgemental. Sometimes we try our hardest and it just isn't enough.
We all act selfishly. We have to. And when we convince ourselves we aren't self-centered then we're being even more egotistical than ever before. Love your neighbor. But, you gotta love You more.
Basically, none of this is insightful. I'm sure there's been a Dawson's Creek or 7th Heaven episode that I subconsciously stole all of these thoughts from. But, it's all feels very real and very new to me. I am the farthest I have ever felt from "good" these days. I am feeling guilty and overwhelmed, but also I'm feeling peace and a sigh of relief. My life ain't so bad. In fact, I'm really, really lucky. And I'm remembering that on a moment to moment basis right now. I guess it takes being faced with a lot of pain and hitting rock bottom (twice) to realize how good life CAN be.
Growing up is fucked up. And being an adult means having to start over like a kid again. (So, what was the point of growing up the first time around if I have to do it all over again now?) That's what I'm faced with right now. And, I gotta say... it feels pretty hopeful.
I'm at the very beginning of something here. It's so fresh and new that I may slip a few more times, but right now I feel pretty good. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or the glimmer of the light. Or, at least, the sparkle of a glimmer of the light at the end of a very, very dark tunnel. Haha.
Damn, I'm brilliant.
(sick.)
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| Hello blog. I only write when I'm bummed out. I'm not so bummed out today but I thought I'd write anyway.
I'm trying to make a trip home. It's not because I miss home that much. My family is coming up here to visit me, so even though I miss them a lot, I'll be seeing them soon. I just wanna make a trip to SEMO and see my sis in her show and see my bestest best friend in the world. And, then I wanna make a quick swing by Decatur and maybe grab a beer with some friends at the winery or KEG RACES '09! Who knows? It's been almost a year since I've seen a lot of my classmates, and that is just too long. But, alas, no more living in fantasies for this grown-up. I've got finances, rent, a job that won't let me take vacations, responsibilities, auditions I want or need to make, a career to plan, a life to live here in New York City.
It's lonely out here, you know? Even with the friends I do have out here. It's dreary and gloomy a lot. Even when it is sunny, it's hard to see or feel that sun through the skyscrapers. But, I love it here. I think? I haven't given myself much of a chance to decide. I was so petrified of falling flat on my face that the moment I go here I hit about 10 auditions a week. Then, I needed a job to pay for rent and internet and odds and ends so I went on the job market. Then, I got a job and had to work my ass off at proving myself there. Then, the store closed and I was laid off. I had to work my ass off at making enough money to last me in case I didn't find another job. Then, I found another job, then lost that job, then got it back again (what the hell) at a groovy, hippy dish store called Fishs Eddy where I'm working on a trial basis for a couple weeks. So, needless to say, I've been too busy to actually enjoy this city. When I'm not working or auditioning or rehearsing Midsummer... I've been sick.
Had a high fever for the past 3 days and was on bed rest by doctor's orders. I'm feeling better but I have to go back to that busy life and I don't wannnnnna.....!!! I haven't been to an audition in 3 weeks which really depresses me. I don't have anything lined up for the summer and I don't think I want to spend it here. The subway is like a sauna, the men hit on any female with legs, there aren't a whole lot of auditions... blah blah blah.
What my ideal life would be right now? Part time nanny job where I can go to some auditions in the AM and stroll a baby down the streets and play mommy in the PM. Then, go home to my comfortable and affordable apartment where my kitty, best friend, and, of course, sexy boyfriend were waiting for me to watch a movie or go out on the town. Not too much to ask for, right?
But, where does theatre fit in to all of that? I don't know. I have been working nonstop since I graduated. Looks pretty good in writing, but it doesn't feel fulfilling at all. I didn't expect to walk off the plane and land a gig on the B'way, but it certainly was ideal. My agents don't submit me for things. I don't have the time to sit in a room for 8 hours waiting to sing 8 bars of music in a room full of girls that are just as, if not more, eager than I am. I don't know how to balance my life at all. I guess I'm trying to look at it this way... the economy sucks, I just got here under 3 months ago, I'm learning about myself in the city, I'm starting off, things will get better, things will fall into place, landing a day job was near impossible and I need to make sure I keep that right now... etc, etc.
It might sound like a load of excuses but that's all I got these days.
I know I started off this blog saying how not bummed I am and it may sound like I'm bummed, but I'm actually not. Or, at least trying not to be. Compared to how I've felt in the very past... constricted by university, constrained by bad relationships, pinned down by negativity... this ain't so bad. At least now I've got something to complain about. Whereas before I was just a bratty 20-something being put through the woes of college and pre-adulthood. Now, I'm facing adulthood head on and no matter how bad it may feel right now, I've got a life. It might not be the life I want, but it will be soon. I just need to figure out what it is that I want. | | |
| An article I found VERY interesting:
http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/10/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_68
A blog someone wrote about this article:
http://tyrven.livejournal.com/457316.html
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| Ohio isn't New York. But, it's like a paid vacation. Free meals, free housing, free cable, free internet, free gym membership. Paid for theatre. New friends.
Life is good.
I'm sure I'm missing something, but I'm gonna pretend I'm not.
xoxo | | |
| Why do men think they can have it all? Because women let them.
Guilty as charged.
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